The Most Annoying Yoga Couple Ever

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The Most Annoying Yoga Couple Ever

There are a lot of annoying yoga couples. Couples who hug after class, blocking the door, and have gone into a trance so you can’t get them to move. Couples who make out during class. Couples who shout “Babe, you ready for some chow?” to each other in the yoga place parking lot.

The fact that there are so many annoying yoga couples and that THIS YOGA COUPLE IS THE MOST ANNOYING should make you stop in your tracks and say HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT DID THIS COUPLE DO BECAUSE TO BE THE MOST ANNOYING YOGA COUPLE YOU’D HAVE TO REALLY GO OUT OF YOUR WAY.

And go out of their way they did.

Recently I have started going to yin yoga. This is the kind of yoga you can do in pajamas, though I don’t wear pajamas to class because this would just be drawing unnecessary attention to myself and let’s leave that sort of behavior to the most annoying yoga couple. 

Yin yoga is a quiet meditative yoga where you do just eight or ten relatively simple non-strenuous poses in the entire 1.5 hour class and hold each pose for several minutes. It is a time for deep relaxation. It is a time for deep “going inward.” 

It is a time for deep shutting the fuck up.

On Sunday I got to a 4 p.m. yin yoga class at 3:54 and put my mat and yoga towel down and smiled at the two nice women on either side of me who had also taken it upon themselves, as good citizens of the yoga community, to arrive to class on time. I sat down for a few minutes to relax before class started. Then I thought hmm I should use the bathroom and I did. When I returned the teacher had already started to give instructions, one of which I was to later discover concerned the important matter of maintaining silence during class which I did not need to hear but others, as you will soon learn, did.

This all took place between 3:58 and 4:01. At around 4:02 a young woman entered the studio, clearly frazzled. I felt a little bad for her because I have been late to a crowded yoga class before and have felt an appropriate amount of shame for doing so which, once some generous person has made room for me, I have channeled into making sure they were not forced to take notice of me again.

I offered to move over. The nice, on-time women on either side of me smiled warmly to let me know they would also kindly come to the aid of this not-on-time woman.

I think the feeling shared by all who moved their mats a full three minutes into the starting time of class was  “Hey, look, yeah, you’re definitely annoying, but we have all been you, it’s not a big deal.” 

But we had not all been her. First of all, once we said yes, the woman’s intense “I’m a huge pain in the ass” energy began to seep out of her, like essential oil from an aromatherapy diffuser. She wanted not one spot but two, which meant we had to squish together beyond what we had imagined, back when we sort of liked her alright.