The Least Graphic Most Helpful Essay You'll Ever Read About A Colonoscopy

I never want to look at a glass of water again

Hi, lots of medical stuff lately. I honestly feel like all my work feels the same to read no matter what it is about. It bugs me that so many people have read my Miami story and haven’t read about how I went to the podiatrist last week and won’t read this because it’s not Important. It’s basically all the same story! Anyway. This story is heartwarming and even qualifies as service journalism.

The Least Graphic Most Helpful Essay You'll Ever Read About A Colonoscopy

I had a colonoscopy this week. It was my first; I had a positive result on one of those Cologuard tests that everyone hates because they don’t really tell you very much and can make people overly secure about their colon health. And, opposite problem, give too many false positives. I can’t quite keep track of why people don’t like them — aside from the fact that you basically have to mail them a mini unflushed toilet, and who could like the recipient of such a thing? At any rate, Cologuard is frowned upon by the Colon Health Community, which, really, includes everyone.

I impressed myself by telling almost no one including anyone in my family that I had a positive result on a Cologuard test. My friend Keri was with me when I got the call about it so I said to her several times “I don’t have colon cancer right” and several times she said “Of course you don’t” and we repeated this exchange every five days or so for the two weeks until it took for me to have my actual appointment and I am proud to say other than doing this exact same exercise with one other friend of mine I did not spend a lot of time worrying about my result or worrying others. This is a reasonable if not perfect example of what we in the 12-step world call “emotional sobriety.”