Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome

You don't have to suffer alone, but you do have to suffer.

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Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome

It’s important for writers to observe things and give names to them. 

I have observed something and given it a name. That thing is Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome.

“Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome” refers only to the most extreme version of this thing I have observed.

I trust the reader to subtract any elements that do not apply. 

For example the reader may want to subtract “middle-aged,” or “pre-holiday” or “pre” or even the word “syndrome.” They cannot subtract “fake leather” or “dress” or “anxiety” because a desire to do so means they have an entirely different issue which will not be addressed at this time.

Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome can arise when a middle-aged person finds they are in the position of needing something to wear that is not just “whatever” during the pre-holiday season. 

This person does not wish to spend a great deal of money. This person does not wish to suddenly become very fit. Well. This person may wish to but does not think this is likely to happen. This person would like to look festive but realizes that this is part of the problem but also just can’t help being who they are — someone who yearns to be festive!

The occasion in question is weeks away but the person cannot rest until the matter is settled. Perhaps there are holiday decorations prematurely up making them have anxiety. Perhaps there are concerns about trying to trick people into thinking they are somewhat cool making them have a syndrome.

What happens next is that at a store no one their age should enter (unless buying an umbrella in the middle of a downpour) the person sees a fake leather dress. Because they are in a foreign country the person decides that no one at the thing or things they will go to wearing this fake leather dress will have ever seen it. No one will know that it cost $12, and anyone who does will hopefully not be looking or, even better, will be too drunk to see anything at all. The dress is not too tight, and somehow, in this moment, looks tasteful and problem-solving, although the evidence for this should be weighed with the circumstances but will not be. The dress is purchased.

A problem of needing something to wear has either been solved or someone is going to look as if they went shopping at Seaside Johnny’s in 1996 and then fell asleep in a fake leather dress under a pier and woke up and put on mascara and lipstick and went to a pre-holiday party.

What to say to this person? “Congratulations, you now have a theoretically cool fake leather dress?” Or: “Congratulations, you now have Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome?”

Which will win? People might say “The wolf you feed is the one who wins.” But that does not apply here. Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome is not yoga. Yoga ends. Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome is forever.

There is nothing you can say to someone suffering from it, other than, “You may be suffering from Middle-Aged Pre-Holiday Fake Leather Dress Anxiety Syndrome, but you don’t have to let it define you.” This is not true, but you can say it anyway. Remember, this person bought a $12 fake leather dress. Surely they will buy this.