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Life has been hard lately. Every day I am just waiting for a fire, the lake I swim in, my favorite place in the world, is getting lower and lower, I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach. But I did a few things last week that made me happy. I hope you did too. Anyway, here is a list.
I took Ruthie for a walk in the smoke. It got very smoky one afternoon and I got very depressed. My limbs were heavy with sadness and defeat and hatred for capitalism and those who love it. Driving in the car with Ruthie, I heard a falsely cheery report on NPR about a bear who was burned in the same fire we were getting smoke from, and I pulled over and started to scream because I couldn’t process the mute innocence of the poor bear. Ruthie, my red heeler, a beautiful animal, looked at me with such terror and I felt like an asshole for screaming in such a small car with such a small animal. I wanted to make everything normal for her. I felt like the dad in Life Is Beautiful, a movie I have never seen. So I took Ruthie for a long walk in the terrible smoke. Seeing her tiny fat body bound through the dried up forest, having no idea that it was dried up, brought a sense of peace and ease to my heart and mind. I love you, Ruthie. Thank you.
I cleaned up the kitchen even though T. made it dirty. I gave the kitchen a cursory end-of-the-week cleaning on Friday. I worked at the wine store Saturday, and the already not-quite-clean kitchen got dirtier in my absence. T. said he’d clean it Sunday morning but when I got home from swimming in the low but still nice lake it was still filthy and he was gone. I was so mad at him. I started to think about what a terrible person he was. But then I thought about how on Saturday, when I was working, he had spent probably three long hours cleaning my disgusting car. The kitchen was dirty, but my car was worse, according to T., it smelled like a dog humped a burrito and then the burrito humped the dog and they went at it this way for a long time. And T. had cleaned it for me because I just couldn’t face it and I can’t clean a car. I always get it cleaned, but the car cleaning people are understaffed which I thought was the end of the world but T. just thought it was the beginning of him cleaning my car. He did a good job. He is a reliable person, everything he puts his mind to he does well. The Ruthie fur had been vaccummed out of my gear shift and everything. Anyway, standing there looking at the dirty kitchen, it was easy to tell myself he was a jerk but really he was the best, he just hadn’t cleaned the kitchen. So what. So I cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned the shit out of it and mopped the floor and even organized the cabinets and as I did this instead of being mad at T. for not cleaning it I thought about what a wonderful person he is and how clean my car is. When he came home he was so happy about the clean kitchen and I felt happy for making him happy.
When I got really down, I listened to the songs “Disco Inferno” and “I’ve Got the Music in Me” many times over and over, until I could just press on.
I can't agree with you more Sarah about how much joy Sky, my Aussie, brings to my life. It's hard when you. have two daughters in college trying to make sense of the world and looking into the future with promising eyes. One day at a time. everyday, I am grateful for something-even if it's walking my dog and watching her jump in the creek and go for a swim. Plus, Eric LOVES to clean my car too, so I clean the kitchen :) Thanks.
I think we're all in this dark place -- the languishing nature of it -- I don't know anything anymore, but I do know that this was a great post. I'm going to think differently of my partner now because he almost NEVER cleans the kitchen, but he does do other stuff.